Ambivalence

It was the mere act of breaking my own rules for such a vacuous relation where I derailed onto a road of disappointment and sorrow for what seemed like an eternity.

Nothing good can come out of trespassing a no-trespassing zone or willingly ignoring a warning sign, which clearly indicates a potential hazard. Knowing the possible consequences of a situation and still choosing to pursue the situation is an act of valor that can turn out to be a great thing or one of the worst decisions to be made. To be upset with whatever the consequence may be should only be a lesson learned. Risks truly are one of the most rockiest fragments of life. But not even the rockiest of the rockiest can beat the root of it all; love. Love is everywhere. It is in the lyrics to some of our favorite songs we hear during our walk to the train station or in the books we read during our free time. It is the plot of many films and one of the biggest reasons why people hurt. Whether it's a platonic love or a romantic love, it is one of the best universal feelings in the world. It's the hurt rooted from that love that hits different. Love truly is an ambivalent factor of life. Love is beautiful. It is coming across your best friend's favorite chocolate bar and buying it for them because you know it'll make them happy even if its for a short amount of time or it's choosing to eat Mexican food because you know it's one of their favorites even though you've already had it twice that week. It is the joyous serenity within the moments when they end up kissing your teeth instead of your lips because you instinctively crack a smile at the thought of a kiss. It is the hurt that you feel seeing them hurt.

Love is also torture. It is when a loved one dies or when the love dies. It is when a best friend lacks maturity and/or communication skills and eventually becomes the reason why the friendship failed a lot worse than it should have. It is when heavy and hurtful words are thrown around like feathers during disputes. It is when the lack of trust and faith leads to rash decisions being made that can eventually ruin a good thing. If and when all those great experiences expire is when the pain starts. The ramifications of expired love or limited love is truly heartbreaking. To see something you once saw so pure effortlessly slip through your fingers is a one-sided war leading to the battle of what is moving on. Moving on from something or someone you loved deeply is possibly one of the most painful things to do in life. Moving on is never supposed to be easy. Moving on means missing the past rather than making the present. Depending on how you look at it or what you go through, moving on is also grieving. It's a type of grief that can take months or even years, but it should never be altered or rushed. Once you stop fighting the feelings and ponder with the thoughts, moving on could be a little easier. Maybe you were forced to move on or you chose to move on, but what matters is that moving on eventually leads you to where you're supposed to be. Things happen for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is. It could take years for that reason to enter your life, but that's the thing with moving on... you've got to have patience. Patience in the process of moving on can be difficult but not impossible. That in itself can bring many ambivalent feelings.

Once you see the person you love move on to a better life, without you in it, your own life shifts. Maybe it shifts for the better or for the worst, but it does an ultimate shift needed to shape the new you. Your mood shifts and everything in you and around you just shifts along with it. There is a fine line between maturity and immaturity that is revealed once your heart gets shattered. Do what you want when love breaks you. Your coping mechanism is your coping mechanism, but an important thing to remember is: as tacky as it sounds, love might also be the one to save you. It won't save you if you seek it right after it broke you, but it will inevitably soothe you. It might take months or it might take years. Again, all it takes is patience (and trust).

I think love is a beautiful part of life. My most recent experience with love was full of ambivalent feelings. I fell in love with my best friend not knowing what would come of it. Things were great for a while, but eventually life got in the way and unintentionally altered things for our future. I think that's what kills me the most; the fact that I know the hurt we felt was completely unintentional. He was at a different stage in life than I was. I was just starting mine. I think we both knew although our love for each other was out of this world and our chemistry was amazing, life couldn't allow us to have each other. There was always something, always a but. It's hard figuring out whether you should listen to your heart or listen to your mind. The way I see it is, if the ability to be truly happy is there then why not go for it? Maybe this only applies to certain situations. I thought it applied to mine but it was way more complicated than what I thought it'd be.

Love in life comes in many different forms. Love in life for me was someone with a contagious smile which I adored and a heart too genuine for the world. Love in this chaotic life of mine was someone who instantly knew something was wrong with me just by looking at my eyes or the way I sit during random times. Love in life was looking into someone's eyes and feeling safe. I knew it was an unforgettable love in my life when I looked him in the eyes, in pain, and understood that the right thing had to be done, even if it brought us both pain. Why? Because life gets in the way. It got in the way for a reason. A reason I have yet to discover but the pain I felt serves as a reminder that it was real. Every time I think about the countless nights of overthinking and the sleepless nights of over-crying, I get this sense of fear and relief. Relief because I actually felt it all. Fear because it was the worst I've ever been. It was the worst anyone has ever seen me. I will never ever forget the nights where the moment my head hit the pillow and my eyes just let go all the waters because there was never a second where I wasn't feeling shattered. But despite this heart-shattering experience with love, I'm not mad at love. I love love. I am who I am today because of love. Some may not like who I am today, as I guess I'm too nonchalant for some people. Some may like who I am today because I simply don't let much get to me. The impact love has had on my being and my life so far can be very questionable but I know things happened for a reason and I'd rather not question what life throws at me, but rather confront it. I guess I question it every now and then but it is important to continue confronting it. I think once you become aware of what can come from love and accept it all for what it is, your shot at a better love just smoothens out. Although love can be scary, it's a big part of life.

Life holds so many ambivalent factors. Life is beautiful. Life is short. So take as many risks as you can in spite of the fear that comes along with it.

Face the hurt. Appreciate even the expired love. It's better to have experienced than to not.