Slow & Steady Wins the Race

As a full-time student and full-time employee, time is of the essence. I don't find much time to do much of anything anymore since schoolwork occupies the majority of my free-time. (which is why this blog has been a little inactive.)

As of recently, I noticed my own tendency of comparing my personal struggles and accomplishments to those around me, especially those close to me who happen to be a few years older than me. A lot of my friends and acquaintances comment on my ability to handle working full-time and going to school full-time. (work takes up 6 days of my week and school takes up 4 of those.) Truth be told, it's doable. Something I don't like to admit? I'm so fucking exhausted. All the time. Night and day. It's no shocker that I find myself to be depressed all over again as soon as the semester started. I knew this was going to happen. This revolving state of depression comes in waves. Some days it's slow and steady. Other days I catch myself having a mental breakdown at least once or twice. (I'm an extremely emotional person in general, so this on/off depression certainly doesn't make things better.) I noticed my depression derives directly from school because most of my breakdowns are triggered by the extreme pressure I put on myself to pass all of my classes since I'm paying for tuition out of my own pocket.

Shoutout to those closest to me who put up with my constant breakdowns and venting. I've put myself in a state of mind in which I no longer expose my actual inner deep thoughts and feelings to anyone unless it's gone to extreme levels. So to those who know my actual dark secrets and chose to stay by my side instead of cutting me off, thank you.

It actually sucks to see those I love to negatively compare their own experiences to others. Someone is always going to have it worse. That doesn't mean you can diminish your own struggles. We're allowed to feel what we feel and think what we think. It's not okay when we're too harsh on ourselves. Someone is always going to be better. Or prettier. Or smarter. But that doesn't mean we're not also good, pretty or smart. Just because someone is married with a new house at the age of 25 doesn't mean you have to rush to find a significant other and buy a house or apartment. First of all, the prices of apartments in New York City are way too fucking high. Second of all, this generation is shitty as fuck in terms of love. Sucks to say but it's true. Or let's say one of your friends just graduated from college and you're not even enrolled in college or you are enrolled but you're falling behind in college compared to others. That's okay too. Go back to college whenever the fuck you feel like it. Slow and steady wins the race.

Perseverance is key. Can't you just imagine how amazing it feel to finally reach the end and look back at all the shit you went through? Difficulties and/or delays in terms of your goal doesn't make it any less. There's a beauty in pain in almost every aspect. There's a beauty in pain when you realize small shit can't outweigh the big shit. The rawness in what you experience and what you felt during that experience is only going to make you shine even more once you're at the place you want to be. There's no right or wrong feelings to what you experience. There's no right or wrong time for anything. There's only what's right for you. At the end of the day, fuck anyone else. Do what makes you feel good.

Coming from a person who struggles with on/off depression, from a person who habitually finds errors in my own choices and experiences, from a person who regularly compares my own struggles and experiences to those around me, from a person who chooses to struggle in silence, I hope it means something when I say: respect the rate you're at, respect and appreciate your struggles as they ultimately shape you to be the person you'll be proud to be, praise those around you instead of being filled with envy, and give yourself credit when it's due. Happiness genuinely begins with yourself.