"Eventually all the pieces fall into place... until then laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason."
Life is full of disappointments. Life is full of hurt. It is full of tragedies, but life is also full of blessings. It is full of unique firsts and unbelievable lasts. At the very moment in which you believe is your first real shot at love might just be someone else's last shot at theirs. It's quite interesting to look at things in this perspective. People are always going to say, "yeah but it could be worse." That's true, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't feel what you feel. It is VERY important to feel what you feel. I think once you accept the fact that life is meant to fuck you over (multiple times) then you can somehow find peace in all of it. Finding peace in death is inevitable. Finding peace in heartbreak is promising. Finding the beauty in all things wrong will eventually allow you to reach a much needed sense of serenity. I don't stand for the glorification of depression and heartbreak and other serious matters. No... I mean you should try to find a positive in the negative stuff that life throws at you. If you don't then you'll find yourself in a deep hole and before you know it the hole might be a little too deep for you to just try to jump out of it. Some holes become too dark, too numbing. In most cases it's okay because it will most likely call for a major comeback, but it sucks to endure such a terrible phase.
I've had my fair share of numbing experiences and I'll be one of many to say that it is fucking draining. It is such a shitty idea trying to run away from your emotions. Although I didn't feel hurt or upset by anything, I also didn't feel happiness or pleasure from anything. I think we hit a rock bottom once we give up on emotions in general. At least it was for me. I somehow thought that numbing my pain with other shit would help. Sure, it helped for the first couple of days because my mind was too focused on different substances but after a while shit just kept getting deeper and deeper. I reached a certain point where I felt alone in my own world while watching the rest of the world move in slow-motion with blurred faces and colorless settings. The detachment/disconnection from myself and the world had become a little too much for me to handle. It's hard. Shit really gets fucking tough. Life was never supposed to be easy though and that's okay. It has to be okay.
Let me say one thing: I don't believe a word anyone says to me. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. People are cruel. We are the most inane species this universe has ever touched upon. I don't trust anyone. Why should I? I have so many unpleasant thoughts running through my mind on a daily basis; 24/7. At a particular point in life my state of detachment took a turn for the worst. The level of detachment I thought I wanted to attain had eventually led to an ultimate disconnect from the world. That disconnect then sparked a dreadful disassociation. I pushed people away. I tried to push my favorite person away. It's scary because this person makes me laugh and smile all the time. It's not that I don't want to laugh and smile. I do. It feels great when I do, but the detachment wired in my brain and through my veins perceives it so differently. I don't want someone to "make me happy" or "make me feel safe" (yet) because that someone is supposed to be me. I'm still in the process of healing. It's a long fucking process. I'm sure many people can agree with me when I say: if you can make me smile and laugh, you can make me cry and hurt. If you can make me feel safe within your arms and your presence, you can also hurt the fuck out of me and make me feel unsafe in a matter of minutes. So... is that a risk I'm willing to take?
To finally love and let love in is a much needed and refreshing part of life. It is a beautiful thing when someone who once endured such a cruel and inane love finally gets the opportunity to experience new and healthy love. You go from a rush of anxiety whenever you stand beside the one you loved to feeling nothing but tranquility at the thought of your new person. With love being a beautiful part of life I think it is extremely important that everyone gets to experience a great love at least once in their lifetime. Love can do so many things for us. It could save us or it could even destroy us. Some have already had the lucky opportunity of finding true (platonic or romantic) love. Some of us haven't. Some of us are our own reason why we haven't or why we won't. Some of us have experienced an unfortunate love that will forever taint our perspective on lust, love and loss.
An immediate thought process after a loss/heart break is, "I'm never letting that happen again. I will do anything and everything in my power to make sure my heart never hurts like that again," which is completely understandable. No one ever wants to get hurt. So for some people the process of detachment then commences... and that's fine, but to an extent. Several people have different definitions of detachment. Either way, I don't think it is a smart idea to wholeheartedly rely on detachment though. Do not find comfort in blocking emotions and hindering the process of healing and growth. Sure, for a while you can be detached but don't forget you're human. You're not a fucking robot. Detachment can start with not allowing yourself to get hurt again therefore you keep people at arm's length. Again, that's fine and that's normal. People may not be people to you anymore. Detachment can also lead to just finding comfort in not allowing anyone in. You don't allow anyone into your world. You don't allow anyone to know you, the real you. That eventually also worsens. Detachment can also allow you to lose yourself if it's really not in you to be detached for so long. You're allowed to feel, to feel happiness and suffrage. You're SUPPOSED to feel anything and everything. The limbic system within the human brain has a purpose. It is responsible for any behavioral and emotional responses. So our fucking anatomy, the anatomy of your brain, is structured to feel shit. Our brains can't fucking help it. So why fight it so much? You're not doing much for yourself. The only thing you're possibly doing is damaging yourself (even more) and that's not okay.
Eventually you just build walls after walls. You're not supposed to play hard to get. You're supposed to be normal and feel happiness. Then maybe a day later you feel sadness because that's usually what happens. You're not supposed to drink the pain away. You're not supposed to lean towards drugs to ease the pain. You're not supposed to suppress what you feel because eventually it just becomes a habit. It becomes you. You're not you anymore. You are fear. You are what you fear. You are not allowing people to know you because you're scared that once they do, they're out to get you.
For people who don't have much color in their world attaining a certain level of detachment is such an ironic factor of "healing." I say ironic because detachment might be the only thing keeping us from adding color into our black and white world. When I say black and white world, not only do I mean a senseless and sad piece of fuck, but I also mean "no in between." It's just black and white. Zero or a hundred. Nothing in between.
Someone close to me once said,"you can't go on in life expecting every morning to be a reset button. You can't wake up every morning and pretend like nothing happened (yesterday), as if everything is alright, as if everything is back to normal. You have to actually talk about shit because shit happened and shit will happen again." In theory, that doesn't sound too bad; press a button and act like something didn't happen. In reality, it's pretty bad. It's been frowned upon because it's not healthy. It's not okay. Everything happens for a reason and most of the time it should be thought about. It should be spoken about.
To feel and to allow yourself to feel is a blessing. Not being scared of emotions and feelings is such a normal thing but once you lack that basic skill of not fearing emotions then things just eventually get worse. It might get better, but from what I've seen and experienced it literally only ends in destruction. You don't want to be the damaged one who destroys someone other than yourself because of how fucked up you are. I was. I was collateral damage for someone extremely damaged and now I'm the damaged one.
Just a disclaimer, I know some people who are detached and are fucking normal about it. Kudos to you. This blogpost is not directed to you. These words are more directed to the most vulnerable people who tend to hide their vulnerability the most. In no way, shape or form am I saying that attaining a sense of detachment is bad. It is not. It is normal and it eventually leads to a more peaceful life. Many fail to realize there are levels to this state. It is important to establish the fine line between detachment and utter disconnection/disassociation. I mean, it's tough — which is why I hope that anyone who does plan on leaning towards detachment that you do so in a healthy manner at a healthy rate. Do not turn cold. Do not turn dead and do not turn away from what you feel.
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